The Waiting Game

Ok, so first off, in writing even the title of this post I instantly have the song “Waiting” from the Mary Kate and Ashley School Dance Party movie. (If you have not seen this gem you are missing out). 

But this waiting is a little different. In fact I have a two fold in the title. Waiting for a guy to actually make a move, or finding a guy who will wait for you. Let me explain. 

I recently finally had to end something that has been dragging on to like a year. A guy in one of the dating websites and I had been talking, both seemingly interested but every time we would go to make plans, he bailed or went ghost. Then he would just pop back a few weeks/months later joking and try and say he still wanted to meet. And I waited. I let this go on. Boys and girls…STOP!! If someone you’re talking to does this it is not worth waiting around to see if they will change or actually follow through. They are clearly not in a good space. Just let them go. 

Next, finding someone to wait for you. This in itself is two fold. You are constantly waiting and weeding through the harassment of horrible messages, dick pics, pick up lines and losers to hopefully find a decent person.(if anyone has any tips on where to find said decent people….HELP ME!) But once you think you’ve found someone you think is decent enough for you to spend time with, there is the magical waiting time to decide when to sleep with them. 

Now on this, I’m torn. On the one hand I do want to build a relationship that is built on more than just sex. I want a partner in life and sex is only a component of that. On the other hand, I’m a young woman who is considered to be at an age of sexual prime, and I’m not ashamed to admit, I like sex and want to have it. So how long do you wait. Because if you jump into bed with them right away do they really think they have to do much to earn it? But if you wait too long do you either run the risk of losing something that had great potential or wait and then realize there is no chemistry but you’re more invested so you’re more conflicted about how to move forward. 

Growing up, my mom always said, if you don’t connect with someone sexually – it’s highly unlikely that will change. Sex is a part of a relationship just like talking. If you can’t communicate, you’re doomed verbally or sexually.  

I know before it was the third date was the sex date. But what if you have three dates in 3 days? Lately I’m seeing that dates are being scheduled closer together. So instead of it possibly taking 3 weeks to get to your 3rd date (with phone calls in between getting to actually know someone and develop feelings). So what’s best, right away, after a certain number of dates, after a certain length of time? 

I know every situation will be different, but I just wish someone, somewhere had a rule book that everyone could follow, or at least guidelines. 

Laters babe…

Babe, hun, sweetie, princess…all the pet names a guy will call you because they think we think it’s cute. And to some people it is, and at a certain point in the relationship it is. 

But, if you call me babe in the second message, especially if I have told you my name. I think you are being cheap. You dont want to learn my name, either because you just don’t care, or you don’t want to mess up and call me the wrong one. 

Let’s be honest here, especially online, we all know that you’re talking to multiple people until one really connects and you want to see where it goes (hopefully). So I get that you might mix up names. It’s fine. But if I say that I don’t want to be called babe – It’s not because I’m insecure, or a fighter, or a bitch, or whatever other reason you’ve come up with. It’s because to me, a pet name is a term of endearment that your partner calls you. And that should mean something, be a special thing for you two. Not just some fuckboy who thinks calling you that will get him into your pants. 

Ok…rant over. 

Farm Boy

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So here is the story of the farmer.  Shortly after I moved to the area, I started back on the dating sites.  I started talking to this guy, on tinder, and yes – I am a bit embarrassed to admit that, but it is what it is.

We talked a bit on the app, then moved to text, and then the weirdest thing happened. He called me. In this day in age, it is so rare to have a guy call you. Its usually just dirty texts to try and get a booty call. But this guy was different.  He was respectful, and nice, and treated me well. It was like – well – meeting a unicorn.

So after a few calls, he called one night and convinced me that I shouldn’t freak out and just meet him. I told him I couldn’t meet him because he wanted me to meet right then, and I was looking like a bum. He played on my insecurities by saying that I was afraid to try something because I am worried that I might actually fall in love. Well then, that’s a kicker. How can you really compete with that?

So we had a really normal date. We went to Applebees for drinks. (So coming from Philly which is like a food mecca – this was super cheesy to go to a chain place, but hey it worked). We watched the Orioles game and had a drink and then made out hard core in the parking lot.  To make it even cheesier we were very close to the beach so I could see the beach fireworks going off.

For date two – I kind of caved a bit. I told myself that I wasn’t going to go over to his house on date two, but I did.  It was a lot of fun though. And I have never felt so much like a city girl as I did riding on a gater around his farm. He introduced me to his cows. Like, legitimate cows. Then we met the goats. When I say farmer – I mean farmer.  Also I learned where the farmer lived on his (parents) farm. In a trailer – that if we are being honest should be condemned. And I don’t say that lightly. The floors are going to fall through, the siding is coming off, his couch was eaten by his dog while she was pregnant (and through multiple pregnancies, which means the couch had no cushions – but he wouldn’t replace it.) Yeah, I didn’t know it before, but the country/farmer thing was kinda hot. And I will admit, the sex was really great. Easily the best that I have had. And after that I stayed the night and even just sleeping next to him was really nice.

From there we talked every day, and he would call, and he would listen to me and he would do things that indicated that he cared. I really liked him. I even looked past the fact that he has two kids.  Oh yeah, he is a father. And although it’s not an ideal situation, I accepted it. I was ready to at least look at this as a possibility.

I visited his house a couple more times, and would sleep over, talk about things, life etc. Then the last time I went over. We ate dinner, watched a movie – and I learned all about his secret baby. Yup – I said secret baby. He was complaining about the guy who helps him out on the farm and with his kids during the day.  And when he said his kids, I assumed it was his two sons.  I was not aware of the fact that he has a 4 month old baby with a woman who he was not serious about at all, just convinced him that she wanted a baby and he thought it would be a good idea. Oh and this woman is still in his life, since you know, they have a child together.

So yeah, I freaked out, because WTF does that mean. That he just doesn’t care how many kids he has and with as many women as he wants. Makes me feel really special. So instead of freaking out about the kids, I asked him what he thought we were.  We have been talking for a few months and wanted to know if he thought that we had the potential of making this a long term thing, or if he thought this was just a fling.  His response “I have no idea.”

He has known that since the beginning, I am looking for a long term thing, I couldn’t just let this slide as an is what it is. From there the talking has faded and its basically died. I don’t regret this, because it showed me what I really wanted from a guy.  How I should be treated by someone.

 

I’m Back!

Ok, sorry for the sabotical from blogging. But here is what I’ve been up to since April. 

May – for about two wees I was talking to this guy named josh. He was a nice guy, but it didn’t last. Why you ask did this guy not last? Well he I guess had gotten out of relationship recently and was looking to just go out to bars and the casino and just get drunk, and it’s really just not my scene. And I get it you want to have fun. But this was really the thung that tippee the scales against him. One night he came over to I thought spend time with me, but it turns out he liked where my apartment was and he decided to go to the bar until 1 am, then go to the casino until 4am, then have to come back to my place because he left his bag so he could stay the night. Sorry but if that’s what you want, pay rent and sleep on the couch.

June – June was kinda uneventful in the love/relationship department. This was because I had made the decision to move out of philly and move in with my best friend. So I knew I wasn’t going to try and find something meaningful knowing I am going to stay in the area. 

July – the big move. I moved to the beach. Peace ommmmmm. I needed to get out of the city. I had changed all my dating apps to reflect that I had moved and started talking to a couple people. One guy I thought was really nice. He seemed normal, didn’t mention sexual things, said he wanted to meet when I moved. But nothing ever happened. 

August – august was fun, found a job started really settling into my new life. And I started talking to Mike. Oh Mike. I’ll be honest he is worthy of his own post. 

Ok well I’m gonna go for now. I’ll follow up soon with the whole story of august and how it’s moved into September and October! 

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

Why do guys lie? I have had guys lie about the stupidest things, and then large things.  Here are a few examples:

  1. I was talking to one guy, and he wouldn’t get past the fact that I really didn’t want to just casually hook up.  He kept pushing, and finally I found out that – he couldn’t do more than causal because…..HE’S MARRIED! This guy kept trying to get me to sleep with him for weeks, and all this time he is married.  He claimed that he and his wife had a non sexual life anymore.  For all women out there – if you are not happy – just get a divorce.  Don’t stray!
  2. Another guy that I was talking to had a picture of a famous soccer player as his profile picture.  So I asked him what he really looked like – and told him that I hate liars, so don’t lie. He tells me that he looks similar to the picture, but wouldn’t send me his photo. I ask what he is hiding, is he married? is he running from the law? There are so many things running through my head. So he finally says he doesn’t want to lose me – (we have been talking for 20 minutes so he doesn’t have me).  His big confession – he was black (his picture was white). I just don’t understand that. Why would you lie about that.

I have enough trust issues with online dating.  But adding these stupid lies just makes me hate it even more.

Catfish

The Internet is creepy. No matter what you do or say, it boils down to the fact that – behind a computer or phone or tablet or whatever, you can be anyone. You can be a teenager looking to try things they know they shouldn’t do. You can be someone older pretending to be young, and many other possibilities.

It’s like the Brad Paisley song Online. He talks about how in real life he could be a short, stocky, bald man but in his online profiles he could look like Brad Pitt.

I have been lucky that I haven’t run into this more frequently. But I just had one guy, who I’m pretty sure isn’t who he says he is. He had a bunch of photos on his profile, and it all seemed legit. I even tried Googleing his photo to see if it had been stolen (because you know, that’s a thing now). It came out that it wasn’t used anywhere else. I was a bit skeptical when he cancelled our date day of because “his grandfather was sick” which all my friends and I are pretty sure was a line. He stopped talking to me for a while then randomly responded again one night. He asked for a picture to use for his caller ID – and so I asked for one too. Now I always screen shot the profile pictures of who I am talking to so I don’t forget, so I had one already, but wanted to make sure he was who he said he was. When he sent me the new picture …it was a new person, but when I called him out he said they were both him. I’m sorry but you don’t have a cleft chin one day and never again.

He tried to say he was the same person and didn’t know what to say to make me believe him. I asked him to take a picture of himself smiling with a thumbs up. This way I would know he couldn’t just find a stock photo he had laying around. When I asked for this he got defensive and mean, saying I was being creepy and he didn’t have to prove anything to me. Which is true, I don’t know him, he doesn’t owe me anything. But seriously, how easy is to tell that I’ve caught you in a lie.

The thing is, the second picture was still cute…so I don’t know why he was lying (if that was even really him….for all I know he’s a 75 year old white man (he’s black in the photos) sitting in California trying to mess with people because he is bored.

The Dreaded Run In

So after you go on a date with someone, and it doesn’t work out – you usually don’t ever have to worry about seeing them again.  Unless of course, you work a block away from each other.

I went to get drinks with a co-worker and as we were walking down the street I noticed this guy walking in the opposite direction – and of course, it was the first guy I went out with when I moved to town.  He was the one that said “he needed time to figure out himself” while he stilll kept updating his dating profile.

It was the awkward – we both saw each other, clearly recogonized each other, and both chose to ignore each other. Luckily I was with someone, so I didn’t look lonely or anything.  I looked like I had a social life, and that I didn’t care at all about seeing him.

Why is that such an awkward thing? Wait, I know – because you have seen me naked, and decided that you didn’t like me enough to continue seeing me.  Now running into you, I have to either pretend like I don’t know you, or don’t see you – because neither of us want to actually acknowledge each other. Maybe one day exes will be able to talk to each other…..maybe not.

When is the right time, to give a pet name?

Throughout life, I have had infinite numbers of nicknames used, created from my first, and my last name, from just my personality, and then even inside jokes.  Nicknames are great, but pet names are something different.  A pet name is the meant to be used as a term of endearment from a significant other. Baby, hun, sweetie, and the ever so popular bae, along with cute ones that a couple will come up with for one another.

The question is, when can you start using one.  I knwo some people who refer to everyone as sweetheart, my dear, or hun, so when they do it, it’s not a big deal.  But, when I get a message, and we still haven’t met in person yet, am I really your sweetheart? Your baby, or whatever you want to call me?  I mean the reason that most are probably doing this when talking to people from online sites, is well, they don’t remember your name.  I will admit, I have talked to a few people, and forgotten their names.  It helps when I get their phone numbers because I save their names and pictures, so I remember who I am talking to. And then by using pet names, for everyone they are talking to, they can’t get your name wrong.  I know – this is very cynical of me, but really if we have said all of 10 sentences, am I really your baby?  Or even worse, when that is in your opening line.

Pet names, to me, shouldn’t just be thrown around like a football.  PIck a name you can handle that person calling you for the rest of your relationship (however short or long that may be).

The Online Profile

Let’s just call a spade a spade.  When it comes to the online profile, we are very shallow.  With the way that profiles are set up, it’s so easy to just swipe left, or swipe right on someones face to say whether or not we are interested.  And it can be a fun game, see how many times you actually swipe right out of the next 10 profiles etc. But who are we kidding, when we date this way, we have no idea anything about the person, except if we like that one main profile picture. Because of this, your profile picture needs to be perfect if you hope to, attract people, and attract the right types of people.

Here are few things that you should never have in your dating profile picture:

  • a picture that you can’t see your face
  • a picture where, I don’t know who you are because you are in a group of like 50 people
  • a picture with another woman, unless that woman is your mother or grandmother.  Even sisters or cousins and friends isn’t a good idea, because, why would you be on a dating site, if it looks like you are a couple
  • if you are going to take a picture in a bathroom mirror (c’mon people its 2015, take a selfie) under no circumstance is it ok to have a urinal or other toilet visible in the picture
  • a picture of money, seriously, I’ve seen this.
  • hold an entire bottle of alcohol, thinking it makes you look cool – you look like a drunk
  • a picture of you smoking.  Even if you are a smoker, and or you don’t care if someone smokes, you just look gross smoking in the picture
  • a picture where you have cropped it so when it pops up, you can’t see your face
  • (I wish this one was more obvious) a dick pic

Remember, you have about 1/2 a second to intrigue someone enough to swipe right or even, if you’re really lucky have them actually look through your whole profile.  Don’t blow it on a bad picture!

Rx: No sex for a week

I am going to start this off with a a hit of a PSA. As a sexually active woman, please make sure that you are safe, and getting regular check ups from your gynocologist.  I had my yearly pap test and found at that I had some abnormal cells. It wasn’t cancerous or precancerous, but because it was abnormal my doctor wanted to take a biopsy. It is most likely from a virus (HPV) which 80% of sexually active women have at some point in their lives.

Which brings me to the main message to this blog. After my biopsy, which was basically means a doctor cut tissue samples from my cervix, my doctor told me that I have to wait to have sex for at least a week. Which at this point really isn’t a big deal for me. But he then asked me, with a serious look, if I needed a prescription to prove that I can’t have sex for a week. I literally laughed out loud.

It shows just how single I am, that I laugh at the thought of having to give a guy a prescription to say no sex.