The Waiting Game

Ok, so first off, in writing even the title of this post I instantly have the song “Waiting” from the Mary Kate and Ashley School Dance Party movie. (If you have not seen this gem you are missing out). 

But this waiting is a little different. In fact I have a two fold in the title. Waiting for a guy to actually make a move, or finding a guy who will wait for you. Let me explain. 

I recently finally had to end something that has been dragging on to like a year. A guy in one of the dating websites and I had been talking, both seemingly interested but every time we would go to make plans, he bailed or went ghost. Then he would just pop back a few weeks/months later joking and try and say he still wanted to meet. And I waited. I let this go on. Boys and girls…STOP!! If someone you’re talking to does this it is not worth waiting around to see if they will change or actually follow through. They are clearly not in a good space. Just let them go. 

Next, finding someone to wait for you. This in itself is two fold. You are constantly waiting and weeding through the harassment of horrible messages, dick pics, pick up lines and losers to hopefully find a decent person.(if anyone has any tips on where to find said decent people….HELP ME!) But once you think you’ve found someone you think is decent enough for you to spend time with, there is the magical waiting time to decide when to sleep with them. 

Now on this, I’m torn. On the one hand I do want to build a relationship that is built on more than just sex. I want a partner in life and sex is only a component of that. On the other hand, I’m a young woman who is considered to be at an age of sexual prime, and I’m not ashamed to admit, I like sex and want to have it. So how long do you wait. Because if you jump into bed with them right away do they really think they have to do much to earn it? But if you wait too long do you either run the risk of losing something that had great potential or wait and then realize there is no chemistry but you’re more invested so you’re more conflicted about how to move forward. 

Growing up, my mom always said, if you don’t connect with someone sexually – it’s highly unlikely that will change. Sex is a part of a relationship just like talking. If you can’t communicate, you’re doomed verbally or sexually.  

I know before it was the third date was the sex date. But what if you have three dates in 3 days? Lately I’m seeing that dates are being scheduled closer together. So instead of it possibly taking 3 weeks to get to your 3rd date (with phone calls in between getting to actually know someone and develop feelings). So what’s best, right away, after a certain number of dates, after a certain length of time? 

I know every situation will be different, but I just wish someone, somewhere had a rule book that everyone could follow, or at least guidelines. 

Laters babe…

Babe, hun, sweetie, princess…all the pet names a guy will call you because they think we think it’s cute. And to some people it is, and at a certain point in the relationship it is. 

But, if you call me babe in the second message, especially if I have told you my name. I think you are being cheap. You dont want to learn my name, either because you just don’t care, or you don’t want to mess up and call me the wrong one. 

Let’s be honest here, especially online, we all know that you’re talking to multiple people until one really connects and you want to see where it goes (hopefully). So I get that you might mix up names. It’s fine. But if I say that I don’t want to be called babe – It’s not because I’m insecure, or a fighter, or a bitch, or whatever other reason you’ve come up with. It’s because to me, a pet name is a term of endearment that your partner calls you. And that should mean something, be a special thing for you two. Not just some fuckboy who thinks calling you that will get him into your pants. 

Ok…rant over. 

We need to set the record straight

Ok, so I’m pretty sure I’ve talked about this befor, but unfortunately it’s not going away. The dreaded dick pic. I would like to first say a F you to the first guy to send a photo of his penis on a camera phone. 

Seriously we have come up with some incredible technology and to think that it’s being used for guys to blast photos of their genitals to random (or not) women, I’m just sad. 

But I really want to get it through men’s heads. Women have no desire to see photos of your penis. It’s ugly. AND asking us why we don’t want to see a photo, but are ok with it inside us….think about it moron. If you send us a photo, it does nothing, we aren’t going to look at it and feel the immediate need to pull out our rabbits. We are gonna be grossed out, or we may be critical and actually examine it and find all the flaws we can. 

If we are seeing it in person, it’s still ugly!  Don’t get that wrong. BUT, we know we are going to have sex (and let’s be real we can have sex and we never actually have to see it – which isn’t a bad thing). And if we are having sex, we are doing it because we either need to (yes, girls like causal sex sometimes too) or we are wanting to be intimate with our partners. 

I know this is cliché but, just imagine if you had a daughter and some guy was sending her the messages you send women. It’s sad, disrespectful, and pathetic. 

Farm Boy

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So here is the story of the farmer.  Shortly after I moved to the area, I started back on the dating sites.  I started talking to this guy, on tinder, and yes – I am a bit embarrassed to admit that, but it is what it is.

We talked a bit on the app, then moved to text, and then the weirdest thing happened. He called me. In this day in age, it is so rare to have a guy call you. Its usually just dirty texts to try and get a booty call. But this guy was different.  He was respectful, and nice, and treated me well. It was like – well – meeting a unicorn.

So after a few calls, he called one night and convinced me that I shouldn’t freak out and just meet him. I told him I couldn’t meet him because he wanted me to meet right then, and I was looking like a bum. He played on my insecurities by saying that I was afraid to try something because I am worried that I might actually fall in love. Well then, that’s a kicker. How can you really compete with that?

So we had a really normal date. We went to Applebees for drinks. (So coming from Philly which is like a food mecca – this was super cheesy to go to a chain place, but hey it worked). We watched the Orioles game and had a drink and then made out hard core in the parking lot.  To make it even cheesier we were very close to the beach so I could see the beach fireworks going off.

For date two – I kind of caved a bit. I told myself that I wasn’t going to go over to his house on date two, but I did.  It was a lot of fun though. And I have never felt so much like a city girl as I did riding on a gater around his farm. He introduced me to his cows. Like, legitimate cows. Then we met the goats. When I say farmer – I mean farmer.  Also I learned where the farmer lived on his (parents) farm. In a trailer – that if we are being honest should be condemned. And I don’t say that lightly. The floors are going to fall through, the siding is coming off, his couch was eaten by his dog while she was pregnant (and through multiple pregnancies, which means the couch had no cushions – but he wouldn’t replace it.) Yeah, I didn’t know it before, but the country/farmer thing was kinda hot. And I will admit, the sex was really great. Easily the best that I have had. And after that I stayed the night and even just sleeping next to him was really nice.

From there we talked every day, and he would call, and he would listen to me and he would do things that indicated that he cared. I really liked him. I even looked past the fact that he has two kids.  Oh yeah, he is a father. And although it’s not an ideal situation, I accepted it. I was ready to at least look at this as a possibility.

I visited his house a couple more times, and would sleep over, talk about things, life etc. Then the last time I went over. We ate dinner, watched a movie – and I learned all about his secret baby. Yup – I said secret baby. He was complaining about the guy who helps him out on the farm and with his kids during the day.  And when he said his kids, I assumed it was his two sons.  I was not aware of the fact that he has a 4 month old baby with a woman who he was not serious about at all, just convinced him that she wanted a baby and he thought it would be a good idea. Oh and this woman is still in his life, since you know, they have a child together.

So yeah, I freaked out, because WTF does that mean. That he just doesn’t care how many kids he has and with as many women as he wants. Makes me feel really special. So instead of freaking out about the kids, I asked him what he thought we were.  We have been talking for a few months and wanted to know if he thought that we had the potential of making this a long term thing, or if he thought this was just a fling.  His response “I have no idea.”

He has known that since the beginning, I am looking for a long term thing, I couldn’t just let this slide as an is what it is. From there the talking has faded and its basically died. I don’t regret this, because it showed me what I really wanted from a guy.  How I should be treated by someone.

 

You’re working on what?

So I have taken a little break lately from dating.  I haven’t been actively looking into people for a while, but this past few weeks – I have decided that, you know what – why not.

So I added all my apps back and started looking into people that I could talk to and hopefully I would find someone worth talking to. BUT if the past is any indication as to what to expect from the online dating world, I have to set my expectations to an appropriately low level.  I am glad that I did – because here are some of the gems that I have received:

-From Plenty of Fish – First message I received: “You look like you like your ass eaten.” Why, what is it about my picture that makes you think I like my ass eaten? My photo is a selfie of my FACE – I am in a full length gown with long sleeves, so it’s not like I have one of those memes that guys have of a guy eating a girl. What is it about me that makes you think that – also what makes you think that is an ok to send to an actual human being.

-From Badoo – Talking to a guy, that I knew he was married with kids and it said that he was looking for friends: Him: “You didn’t invite me over to kiss you” Me: “Why would I, I know you are married and I am not interested in talking to you if you are looking to cheat on your wife.” Him “I’m working on it.” Me: “Working on what?” Him: “being married.”  You sir are despicable. This makes me hate men – and fear for the male race.

-From Tinder – I had been talking to this guy for a couple of days and we even planned to go out for dinner. Day of the dinner we are talking about meeting up and I confirm the time and next thing I know he has blocked me. I think this is the umpteenth time that I have had someone who now that I think about it – could be a catfish. When it finally comes to meeting he disappears.

-From Plenty of Fish – “I wish I could give you a back and foot massage – I love rubbing feet, and smelling them. I have a foot fetish” Well sir – at least you are honest.

-From OkCupid – “Are you interested in BDSM?”

-From Plenty of Fish – “Hi” “Hey” “Hi” “Hey” “Hey what’s up” “Hi” “Hey” (oh and this is the same guy from about 6 different accounts.  What are you doing that you have to remake your profile so many times.  And what about the fact that I never respond makes you think that sending it from another account (same photo so I know it’s you)

These are just a few gems that I have received.  Not really giving me the faith in men that I am hoping to see.

Heyyyyyyy HRU WYD

It used to be that when you think of people who talk in text, you imagined a valley girl at the mall.  But I am learning more and more that guys on dating sites are either lazy or have soooo much going on that at least 50% of the their messages are basically in code that you have to figure out.

This code can range from deciding if adding exgtra letters to a word is a good or bad thing.  Like for example, a normal person says hey – but guys on dating sites say heyyyyyyyy.  I am not sure that the extra “y’s” are a good thing or a bad thing! Then if they are not making a 3 letter word a 15 letter word they are making a 3 word sentence into 3 letters.

I have recently learned a few key phrases that are used by multiple people: hru = how are you. WYD = what are you doing? GM = good morning. RLY = really.  There are more and new ones pop every day that I have to actually ask – what are you saying.

What happened to when people wrote letters to each other?  I know this may ne the romantic in me, but Noah on the Notebook wrote Allie a letter everyday for a year – and now I can barely get guys to write me a full word.