The Waiting Game

Ok, so first off, in writing even the title of this post I instantly have the song “Waiting” from the Mary Kate and Ashley School Dance Party movie. (If you have not seen this gem you are missing out). 

But this waiting is a little different. In fact I have a two fold in the title. Waiting for a guy to actually make a move, or finding a guy who will wait for you. Let me explain. 

I recently finally had to end something that has been dragging on to like a year. A guy in one of the dating websites and I had been talking, both seemingly interested but every time we would go to make plans, he bailed or went ghost. Then he would just pop back a few weeks/months later joking and try and say he still wanted to meet. And I waited. I let this go on. Boys and girls…STOP!! If someone you’re talking to does this it is not worth waiting around to see if they will change or actually follow through. They are clearly not in a good space. Just let them go. 

Next, finding someone to wait for you. This in itself is two fold. You are constantly waiting and weeding through the harassment of horrible messages, dick pics, pick up lines and losers to hopefully find a decent person.(if anyone has any tips on where to find said decent people….HELP ME!) But once you think you’ve found someone you think is decent enough for you to spend time with, there is the magical waiting time to decide when to sleep with them. 

Now on this, I’m torn. On the one hand I do want to build a relationship that is built on more than just sex. I want a partner in life and sex is only a component of that. On the other hand, I’m a young woman who is considered to be at an age of sexual prime, and I’m not ashamed to admit, I like sex and want to have it. So how long do you wait. Because if you jump into bed with them right away do they really think they have to do much to earn it? But if you wait too long do you either run the risk of losing something that had great potential or wait and then realize there is no chemistry but you’re more invested so you’re more conflicted about how to move forward. 

Growing up, my mom always said, if you don’t connect with someone sexually – it’s highly unlikely that will change. Sex is a part of a relationship just like talking. If you can’t communicate, you’re doomed verbally or sexually.  

I know before it was the third date was the sex date. But what if you have three dates in 3 days? Lately I’m seeing that dates are being scheduled closer together. So instead of it possibly taking 3 weeks to get to your 3rd date (with phone calls in between getting to actually know someone and develop feelings). So what’s best, right away, after a certain number of dates, after a certain length of time? 

I know every situation will be different, but I just wish someone, somewhere had a rule book that everyone could follow, or at least guidelines. 

Laters babe…

Babe, hun, sweetie, princess…all the pet names a guy will call you because they think we think it’s cute. And to some people it is, and at a certain point in the relationship it is. 

But, if you call me babe in the second message, especially if I have told you my name. I think you are being cheap. You dont want to learn my name, either because you just don’t care, or you don’t want to mess up and call me the wrong one. 

Let’s be honest here, especially online, we all know that you’re talking to multiple people until one really connects and you want to see where it goes (hopefully). So I get that you might mix up names. It’s fine. But if I say that I don’t want to be called babe – It’s not because I’m insecure, or a fighter, or a bitch, or whatever other reason you’ve come up with. It’s because to me, a pet name is a term of endearment that your partner calls you. And that should mean something, be a special thing for you two. Not just some fuckboy who thinks calling you that will get him into your pants. 

Ok…rant over. 

Curiosity kills the cat

Alright. I will admit that with all the guys I’ve dated lately, I’ve been the exception to the social stalking norm. I have not wanted to be friends with the on social media. I haven’t wanted to know about their past and I don’t want them to necessarily want them to see my past. 

Well that all went to shit. One of the guys that I was dating (and it was the guy who I was seeing the longest) friended me on social media. This was the worst decision I have ever made. At first I wasn’t going to look. But then curiosity got the best of me. Well actually curiosity got the worst of me. I started looking, and I had to know. I had to know who he had dated before so that I could compare myself to them.

Why do we do this to ourselves?  As women we constantly feel the need to compete with the past. YOU CAN’T!  There is a reason they are in the past and you are the present. Your partber saw something in you that they wanted to explore. We need to learn to embrace this and embrace what makes us special. Now it is WAY  easier for me to type this than to actually follow my own words. 

But if you want my advice (which you probably don’t but I’m gonna give it anyway) don’t social stalk your partner. It’s never gonna prove or resolve anything. It’s just going to give you indegestion. Be with that person. And when you’re no longer with that person DE-FRIEND THEM! 

We need to set the record straight

Ok, so I’m pretty sure I’ve talked about this befor, but unfortunately it’s not going away. The dreaded dick pic. I would like to first say a F you to the first guy to send a photo of his penis on a camera phone. 

Seriously we have come up with some incredible technology and to think that it’s being used for guys to blast photos of their genitals to random (or not) women, I’m just sad. 

But I really want to get it through men’s heads. Women have no desire to see photos of your penis. It’s ugly. AND asking us why we don’t want to see a photo, but are ok with it inside us….think about it moron. If you send us a photo, it does nothing, we aren’t going to look at it and feel the immediate need to pull out our rabbits. We are gonna be grossed out, or we may be critical and actually examine it and find all the flaws we can. 

If we are seeing it in person, it’s still ugly!  Don’t get that wrong. BUT, we know we are going to have sex (and let’s be real we can have sex and we never actually have to see it – which isn’t a bad thing). And if we are having sex, we are doing it because we either need to (yes, girls like causal sex sometimes too) or we are wanting to be intimate with our partners. 

I know this is cliché but, just imagine if you had a daughter and some guy was sending her the messages you send women. It’s sad, disrespectful, and pathetic. 

Farm Boy

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So here is the story of the farmer.  Shortly after I moved to the area, I started back on the dating sites.  I started talking to this guy, on tinder, and yes – I am a bit embarrassed to admit that, but it is what it is.

We talked a bit on the app, then moved to text, and then the weirdest thing happened. He called me. In this day in age, it is so rare to have a guy call you. Its usually just dirty texts to try and get a booty call. But this guy was different.  He was respectful, and nice, and treated me well. It was like – well – meeting a unicorn.

So after a few calls, he called one night and convinced me that I shouldn’t freak out and just meet him. I told him I couldn’t meet him because he wanted me to meet right then, and I was looking like a bum. He played on my insecurities by saying that I was afraid to try something because I am worried that I might actually fall in love. Well then, that’s a kicker. How can you really compete with that?

So we had a really normal date. We went to Applebees for drinks. (So coming from Philly which is like a food mecca – this was super cheesy to go to a chain place, but hey it worked). We watched the Orioles game and had a drink and then made out hard core in the parking lot.  To make it even cheesier we were very close to the beach so I could see the beach fireworks going off.

For date two – I kind of caved a bit. I told myself that I wasn’t going to go over to his house on date two, but I did.  It was a lot of fun though. And I have never felt so much like a city girl as I did riding on a gater around his farm. He introduced me to his cows. Like, legitimate cows. Then we met the goats. When I say farmer – I mean farmer.  Also I learned where the farmer lived on his (parents) farm. In a trailer – that if we are being honest should be condemned. And I don’t say that lightly. The floors are going to fall through, the siding is coming off, his couch was eaten by his dog while she was pregnant (and through multiple pregnancies, which means the couch had no cushions – but he wouldn’t replace it.) Yeah, I didn’t know it before, but the country/farmer thing was kinda hot. And I will admit, the sex was really great. Easily the best that I have had. And after that I stayed the night and even just sleeping next to him was really nice.

From there we talked every day, and he would call, and he would listen to me and he would do things that indicated that he cared. I really liked him. I even looked past the fact that he has two kids.  Oh yeah, he is a father. And although it’s not an ideal situation, I accepted it. I was ready to at least look at this as a possibility.

I visited his house a couple more times, and would sleep over, talk about things, life etc. Then the last time I went over. We ate dinner, watched a movie – and I learned all about his secret baby. Yup – I said secret baby. He was complaining about the guy who helps him out on the farm and with his kids during the day.  And when he said his kids, I assumed it was his two sons.  I was not aware of the fact that he has a 4 month old baby with a woman who he was not serious about at all, just convinced him that she wanted a baby and he thought it would be a good idea. Oh and this woman is still in his life, since you know, they have a child together.

So yeah, I freaked out, because WTF does that mean. That he just doesn’t care how many kids he has and with as many women as he wants. Makes me feel really special. So instead of freaking out about the kids, I asked him what he thought we were.  We have been talking for a few months and wanted to know if he thought that we had the potential of making this a long term thing, or if he thought this was just a fling.  His response “I have no idea.”

He has known that since the beginning, I am looking for a long term thing, I couldn’t just let this slide as an is what it is. From there the talking has faded and its basically died. I don’t regret this, because it showed me what I really wanted from a guy.  How I should be treated by someone.

 

Seriously, I don’t wan’t to f**k you

I’m not sure when hello turned into – “please come over and fuck me”. But more and more of guys these days just assume that if I respond to your message, that means I am going to invite you over to my house and fuck you – to then never talk to you again. Romantic, right?

I have this one guy.  He has tried to meet up multiple times, and I keep telling him no. I am not sure why he keeps pushing, but he does. I tell him that we are not going to just meet and have sex, that I would want to meet someone in public see what happens and then go from there.  It’s not to say that I would never sleep with a guy on the first date (just read some of my other posts – it’s happened). But I am really uncomfortable with the whole idea of just meeting a stranger online and having them think we are going to have sex.

But back to this guy.  He is convinced we are going to just hook up.  And after I tell him we are not, he tries to then make ME feel guilty about it because “he wants to please me.” And its my fault because he was really looking forward to us hooking up. Ummm…..first off – don’t text me 20 minutes before you decide you want to “please me” and be mad when I have plans and can’t drop it to fuck you. Second off – don’t try and make me feel bad that I don’t want o fuck a stranger just because you claim you do. Or get made me if you ask – “aren’t you horny”…uhhh nope – I typically have about a million other things on my mind other than sex – especially if I have never met you. Now, if you are Ryan Gosling, then maybe – yes I would invite you over and have my way with you without question.  But you are not. So go away.

 

Desperate Times….

I never thought I would be this person.  The person, that just wanted to have sex so badly – that I didn’t really care who it was with. But, after a few months of nothing plus the stress of work and then finishing up the holidays.  Sometimes you do what you gotta do.

I had started talking to this guy online, and he is one of those, how should I put this, dumb jock muscle heads. But hey, he has a great body, and he was into me (again, desperate times). After some flirty talking on the phone we decided that we should meet up.  I knew immediately that meet up – meant hook up, but for once I was ok with this.

We agreed to meet  at a bar, just so that we could decide if this was something we really wanted to do – and this is where the night took a turn for the…well weird/bad/are you serious. I drove to where he lived out in the suburbs because he had plans with his dad early the next morning.  I told him how long it would take me – and I arrive pretty much exactly on time.  When I told him I was there he said that he still needed like 10 minutes because he didn’t realize that I would be there that quickly (even though he asked my eta like 3 times).  I didn’t want to wait at the bar by myself for like 20 minutes while he finished getting ready, so I ended up going to his house to pick him up (didn’t I mention that he doesn’t drive right now).

Oh and the kicker – his house, well what I should say is his parents house.  I didn’t really ask why, but he is living with his parents for a while. This fun fact I didn’t learn until I was already on my way to go hang out with him at a bar (and then probably go back to his house….).  We get to the bar and he sees people he knows, starts talking to them, then we sit down.  We order drinks, we are watching the TVs around the room and all of a sudden these three people come and sit down near us, and he decides that he should spend his entire focus talking to the guy in the group about sports. So I talked to the two girls that were with him.  Somehow in these conversations we were asked what he cooks for me – so we revealed this is the first “date” which then brought on this whole conversation about dating now and online dating which was fun to talk about, but awkward since we had met online. But he continued to talk to this guy for like an hour, even though I was just sitting next to him.  Now again I said this guy was a dumb jock – and I knew this going in – and I didn’t expect much out of him except basically to get laid.

So finally after they left, we stayed for one more round (for him) and then were going to go back to his house to “chill.” But I will remind you that his house, has his parents in it. SOOOO that’s awkward to think about.  SO he asks me if I would mind if we went to a close by hotel room instead. Again, so desperate, I said sure.  I felt cheap saying this – but again didn’t care that much.  Then we get to the hotel and luckily I can tell that he hasn’t done this before – or if he has he is the biggest moron in the world.

We go to a hotel, and as I am walking in I hear him asking if he can get the room for a couple of hours.  I DIED. Right then and there.  I was like OMG this front desk guy is going to think I am a hooker – or we are having an affair or something. Who in this day and age goes to a name brand hotel and asks for their hourly rates.  If we went to a flea bag motel and asked I wouldn’t have been as surprised, but no, we went to a goddamn Days Inn.

After all of this we went into the room. In my head I am like finally.  Lets have some fun and then we can be done. Then I forgot about something – he is a meat head.  And the common theme I hear about those guys, is that they aren’t the most well endowed of men.  After all that – the sex was just ok. I must say what a freaking waste. I mean, I wanted to have sex, and I did. But I really thought he would have been better in bed.

I am not sure if there is really a message to learn from all of this.  Except maybe keep your expectations low. Which is a terrible thing, but honestly with online dating.  It’s what needs to happen.

 

Dating Double Standards…

OK, I may be new to the whole world of dating – but I am noticing a lot of double standards when it comes to the way guys and girls act.

1 – The response text: There can be the whole waiting game when it comes to responding to a text message – and that’s a whole other story.  I am noticing that guys can take minutes, hours, days, or weeks to respond to a message and there is no issue in that.  But when it comes to girls responding there are so many land mines.  You can either respond too quickly, which means they will see you as eager and annoying – BUT if you wait more than what they think is the right time to respond you are ignoring them and hate them and they bitch and complain that all of a sudden you are not interested in them.

2- Being invited over: Guys think that girls will just invite them to their homes without any hesitation – but when I asked why they think this is ok but, wouldn’t invite a girl to their house – the response was because no girl would come, it would be creepy.  UMMM – so why wouldn’t it be creepy to have them come to a woman’s house.  What is wrong with wanting to meet in public?  When did online dating become straight up online hookup.

Let it Go! Let it Go!

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When you talk to someone, and you realize that it isn’t working, you should let it go.  Or if you are talking to someone, and you tell them you are moving to a new state, 3 hours away, you should let it go.

I was talking to one guy while I was living in DC, and he was one of those committment phobe levels.  He wanted to talk to me, and kept saying we should meet up.  Never happened.  I told him I was moving to Philly, and that unfortunately it wasn’t going to work since I am leaving.  I figured that would be good, and that would be the end.  And I thought since I didn’t hear anything from him for a month, that it really was done.

Well – I am really bad at reading people. I got a message from him (after I deleted his number, and had to figure out who it was) asking about who I have met in the city.  Then claiming that he still wanted me to hook up with him.  Seriously, does he think I am driving 3 hours for a booty call????

And that’s another thing, guys asking about what you have done with other guys.  THIS IS WEIRD!!!! I understand that I am writing this blog for the whole world to read about my dating life, but I am not going to go into that much detail. I don’t understand how me telling you all the details of my personal sex life is something that you would want, because it gets you off.  I don’t want to know what you and another girl have done, why do you want to know what I have done with other guys?

Sex in the City….of Brotherly Love

After Pete – I decided that, I don’t think I really want to seek out a relationship right now.  If one comes to me, then I will accept it, but I think I am really just looking to have fun right now.  Moving into this state of mind, changes the online dating game.  Before, I was only searching for huys who were looking for relationships.  Now, I have broadened my field by adding guys who aren’t looking for something serious.  This doesn’t mean that I am going to become a massive slut and just sleep with any guy who asks me too. But, I will be more willing to have fun – with no expectations from the guys.

This came to fruitition one week when I started talking to one guy, and felt gutsy after talking to him for a while – and I’ll admit, kinda horny.  So I invited him over to my house to hook up.  Well – this was a complete DISAPPOINTMENT!! Guys, when you talk to girls and claim you are going to do things for them – you need to do things for them! So here is what happened.

I brought the guy over, and we went to the bedroom.  Started kissing, taking off clothes and then I asked if he had a condom.  Umm…he didn’t, which is another thing.  If you are a guy and you are going to a girls house to hook up, bring a condom! Luckily I had a condom.  Then he told me that he can’t stay hard while wearing a condom, so he asked if I would be disappointed if we didn’t actually have sex.  Figuring that he was going to keep his word of wanting to at least go down on me, I was ok with it.  Well, never assume – it really does make and ASS out of U and ME. He did nothing of the sort.  He talked this big game that he loves doing it, and that he could do it for hours, and then I got NOTHING!

Luckily I have no feelings towards this guy, and no desire to see him again.  Hopefully the next time I have a guy come over – I get a better ending.