The Waiting Game

Ok, so first off, in writing even the title of this post I instantly have the song “Waiting” from the Mary Kate and Ashley School Dance Party movie. (If you have not seen this gem you are missing out). 

But this waiting is a little different. In fact I have a two fold in the title. Waiting for a guy to actually make a move, or finding a guy who will wait for you. Let me explain. 

I recently finally had to end something that has been dragging on to like a year. A guy in one of the dating websites and I had been talking, both seemingly interested but every time we would go to make plans, he bailed or went ghost. Then he would just pop back a few weeks/months later joking and try and say he still wanted to meet. And I waited. I let this go on. Boys and girls…STOP!! If someone you’re talking to does this it is not worth waiting around to see if they will change or actually follow through. They are clearly not in a good space. Just let them go. 

Next, finding someone to wait for you. This in itself is two fold. You are constantly waiting and weeding through the harassment of horrible messages, dick pics, pick up lines and losers to hopefully find a decent person.(if anyone has any tips on where to find said decent people….HELP ME!) But once you think you’ve found someone you think is decent enough for you to spend time with, there is the magical waiting time to decide when to sleep with them. 

Now on this, I’m torn. On the one hand I do want to build a relationship that is built on more than just sex. I want a partner in life and sex is only a component of that. On the other hand, I’m a young woman who is considered to be at an age of sexual prime, and I’m not ashamed to admit, I like sex and want to have it. So how long do you wait. Because if you jump into bed with them right away do they really think they have to do much to earn it? But if you wait too long do you either run the risk of losing something that had great potential or wait and then realize there is no chemistry but you’re more invested so you’re more conflicted about how to move forward. 

Growing up, my mom always said, if you don’t connect with someone sexually – it’s highly unlikely that will change. Sex is a part of a relationship just like talking. If you can’t communicate, you’re doomed verbally or sexually.  

I know before it was the third date was the sex date. But what if you have three dates in 3 days? Lately I’m seeing that dates are being scheduled closer together. So instead of it possibly taking 3 weeks to get to your 3rd date (with phone calls in between getting to actually know someone and develop feelings). So what’s best, right away, after a certain number of dates, after a certain length of time? 

I know every situation will be different, but I just wish someone, somewhere had a rule book that everyone could follow, or at least guidelines. 

Reading the signs 

So again it’s been a while. I’m sorry. But I’m back. In the time that I’ve been gone a lot of shit went down. And as I think about it, I know I’m not the o my person (woman or man) who has dealt with these types of things. But I do want to make sure that I don’t hide from them.

I’ve dated two different guys since my last post. One is a short story about my first high school boyfriend, that didnt take place until the last year of my twenties. And the second is a more intense story about what could be considered an obsession. 

First (only because it’s more recent) my first high school boyfriend. I call him this because we both had roommate situations that made it difficult to hang out at each other’s houses so we just drove around a lot. This one, I could see the sign that it was high school, but then it ended when he asked me to pay for his phone bill after we had only know. Each other like not even two weeks. Come on! If anything I need a sugar daddy – I can’t be a sugar momma. So this sign was flashing a bright red “SCRUB” and I walked away. Poetically he ended our breakup call by saying goodbye and giving my full name. It was weird. Haha. 

Next the obsessive one. So this one, I should have read more signs, and sooner. But, as a naive dater, I didn’t. Luckily nothing really happened, because I know it could have been much worse. So here’s the story. 

I started dating this guy and he had out of season work, but kept changing his job, and trying to get new jobs that paid more. Now this I get. Wanting to better your situation, understanding. But, when you then basically don’t work, and have no money to your name because you refuse to accept a job that doesn’t pay what you think you deserve. Then you’re an idiot. I would tell him to just take any job, so he had something to do, and money coming in, but he didn’t. So there’s flashing sign number one. 

Flashing sign number 2, when I brought him to stay the night at my place one night, we had a big fight because he wouldn’t get out of the car (Like a child) and when he finally did, my dog HATED him. Like straight up, didn’t like him. People – animals have good intuition and they aren’t blinded by stupid things…listen to them!

But the biggest sign that I wasn’t with a good person was when he stopped retaining things I would say to him minutes earlier. And this was a super fast down hill slope. Basically it stemmed down to him not understanding why I wouldn’t spend all my time with him. Oh I don’t know, maybe because I have friends, responsibilities, a life etc. But anyway, he freaked out on me when I left his house to go baby sit  (something I do every week) and called me a total of 8 times by the time I was done. Saying he was worried about me – even though I had told him multiple times I was babysitting and couldn’t talke. It escalated from that and finally I had to threaten to get a harassment charge set against him if he didn’t leave me alone. 

I am happy to say that he has left me alone since then. But, it is something I think about. How I was lucky that I got away before something really bad happened. How he could have come to my house to do something. And I know that there are people who aren’t as lucky. So here is my little PSA. If you think something is amiss, trust yourself. Talk to someone else about it. See if they think it’s an over reaction or something you should really stop and think about.

Curiosity kills the cat

Alright. I will admit that with all the guys I’ve dated lately, I’ve been the exception to the social stalking norm. I have not wanted to be friends with the on social media. I haven’t wanted to know about their past and I don’t want them to necessarily want them to see my past. 

Well that all went to shit. One of the guys that I was dating (and it was the guy who I was seeing the longest) friended me on social media. This was the worst decision I have ever made. At first I wasn’t going to look. But then curiosity got the best of me. Well actually curiosity got the worst of me. I started looking, and I had to know. I had to know who he had dated before so that I could compare myself to them.

Why do we do this to ourselves?  As women we constantly feel the need to compete with the past. YOU CAN’T!  There is a reason they are in the past and you are the present. Your partber saw something in you that they wanted to explore. We need to learn to embrace this and embrace what makes us special. Now it is WAY  easier for me to type this than to actually follow my own words. 

But if you want my advice (which you probably don’t but I’m gonna give it anyway) don’t social stalk your partner. It’s never gonna prove or resolve anything. It’s just going to give you indegestion. Be with that person. And when you’re no longer with that person DE-FRIEND THEM! 

You’re working on what?

So I have taken a little break lately from dating.  I haven’t been actively looking into people for a while, but this past few weeks – I have decided that, you know what – why not.

So I added all my apps back and started looking into people that I could talk to and hopefully I would find someone worth talking to. BUT if the past is any indication as to what to expect from the online dating world, I have to set my expectations to an appropriately low level.  I am glad that I did – because here are some of the gems that I have received:

-From Plenty of Fish – First message I received: “You look like you like your ass eaten.” Why, what is it about my picture that makes you think I like my ass eaten? My photo is a selfie of my FACE – I am in a full length gown with long sleeves, so it’s not like I have one of those memes that guys have of a guy eating a girl. What is it about me that makes you think that – also what makes you think that is an ok to send to an actual human being.

-From Badoo – Talking to a guy, that I knew he was married with kids and it said that he was looking for friends: Him: “You didn’t invite me over to kiss you” Me: “Why would I, I know you are married and I am not interested in talking to you if you are looking to cheat on your wife.” Him “I’m working on it.” Me: “Working on what?” Him: “being married.”  You sir are despicable. This makes me hate men – and fear for the male race.

-From Tinder – I had been talking to this guy for a couple of days and we even planned to go out for dinner. Day of the dinner we are talking about meeting up and I confirm the time and next thing I know he has blocked me. I think this is the umpteenth time that I have had someone who now that I think about it – could be a catfish. When it finally comes to meeting he disappears.

-From Plenty of Fish – “I wish I could give you a back and foot massage – I love rubbing feet, and smelling them. I have a foot fetish” Well sir – at least you are honest.

-From OkCupid – “Are you interested in BDSM?”

-From Plenty of Fish – “Hi” “Hey” “Hi” “Hey” “Hey what’s up” “Hi” “Hey” (oh and this is the same guy from about 6 different accounts.  What are you doing that you have to remake your profile so many times.  And what about the fact that I never respond makes you think that sending it from another account (same photo so I know it’s you)

These are just a few gems that I have received.  Not really giving me the faith in men that I am hoping to see.

You Think You Deserve, What Now?

Lately I am finding that more and more guys have this sense of entitlement when they are online dating. Like the fact that you talk to them – means you owe them, well basically your soul, or at least naked photos of you.

I was talking to one guy, and the third message he sent me after how are you is – I would rather be going down on you for hours. Now, as considerate as that may seem, I was taken aback at the – no let’s be real.  This is every guy.  They think that just because you message them then that means you will automatically sleep with them (I feel that this is a trending topic in a lot of my posts and I apologize for that, but it keeps coming up in my life.)

So, instead of actually responding to his message, I came back with – “if you met me in public, would you ever say anything like that to me? Or does the internet make you brave?” His response “I would be too embarrassed to say something like that to someone’s face. The internet def makes me braver.” Too embarrassed to say it to someone’s face.  Let’s think about that.  If you would be too embarrassed to say it to someone’s face there is probably a reason, the reason I told him was because he knows that women shouldn’t be treated to or talked to like that.

And another guy I was talking to – he asked for nude photos or actually “naughty photos” which I declined, because I am really not about the spread of amateur pornography, especially of myself. So then later in the conversation he just decided to send me a lovely dick pic (rolling eyes and sighing loudly).  From this – he then proceeds to tell me that because I have now seen more of him than he has of me – it’s only fair that I send him a picture of my pussy. (his words, not mine). When I refused – ok boobs then, again my answer is no. Finally he said, well then fine a picture of you in your underwear. “It’s only fair”

Men – this is not what fair means. Just because you send us something, it doesn’t mean we will send something back.  And even if that was the only fair thing to do – hasn’t anyone told you. Life isn’t fair.

Seriously, I don’t wan’t to f**k you

I’m not sure when hello turned into – “please come over and fuck me”. But more and more of guys these days just assume that if I respond to your message, that means I am going to invite you over to my house and fuck you – to then never talk to you again. Romantic, right?

I have this one guy.  He has tried to meet up multiple times, and I keep telling him no. I am not sure why he keeps pushing, but he does. I tell him that we are not going to just meet and have sex, that I would want to meet someone in public see what happens and then go from there.  It’s not to say that I would never sleep with a guy on the first date (just read some of my other posts – it’s happened). But I am really uncomfortable with the whole idea of just meeting a stranger online and having them think we are going to have sex.

But back to this guy.  He is convinced we are going to just hook up.  And after I tell him we are not, he tries to then make ME feel guilty about it because “he wants to please me.” And its my fault because he was really looking forward to us hooking up. Ummm…..first off – don’t text me 20 minutes before you decide you want to “please me” and be mad when I have plans and can’t drop it to fuck you. Second off – don’t try and make me feel bad that I don’t want o fuck a stranger just because you claim you do. Or get made me if you ask – “aren’t you horny”…uhhh nope – I typically have about a million other things on my mind other than sex – especially if I have never met you. Now, if you are Ryan Gosling, then maybe – yes I would invite you over and have my way with you without question.  But you are not. So go away.

 

Desperate Times….

I never thought I would be this person.  The person, that just wanted to have sex so badly – that I didn’t really care who it was with. But, after a few months of nothing plus the stress of work and then finishing up the holidays.  Sometimes you do what you gotta do.

I had started talking to this guy online, and he is one of those, how should I put this, dumb jock muscle heads. But hey, he has a great body, and he was into me (again, desperate times). After some flirty talking on the phone we decided that we should meet up.  I knew immediately that meet up – meant hook up, but for once I was ok with this.

We agreed to meet  at a bar, just so that we could decide if this was something we really wanted to do – and this is where the night took a turn for the…well weird/bad/are you serious. I drove to where he lived out in the suburbs because he had plans with his dad early the next morning.  I told him how long it would take me – and I arrive pretty much exactly on time.  When I told him I was there he said that he still needed like 10 minutes because he didn’t realize that I would be there that quickly (even though he asked my eta like 3 times).  I didn’t want to wait at the bar by myself for like 20 minutes while he finished getting ready, so I ended up going to his house to pick him up (didn’t I mention that he doesn’t drive right now).

Oh and the kicker – his house, well what I should say is his parents house.  I didn’t really ask why, but he is living with his parents for a while. This fun fact I didn’t learn until I was already on my way to go hang out with him at a bar (and then probably go back to his house….).  We get to the bar and he sees people he knows, starts talking to them, then we sit down.  We order drinks, we are watching the TVs around the room and all of a sudden these three people come and sit down near us, and he decides that he should spend his entire focus talking to the guy in the group about sports. So I talked to the two girls that were with him.  Somehow in these conversations we were asked what he cooks for me – so we revealed this is the first “date” which then brought on this whole conversation about dating now and online dating which was fun to talk about, but awkward since we had met online. But he continued to talk to this guy for like an hour, even though I was just sitting next to him.  Now again I said this guy was a dumb jock – and I knew this going in – and I didn’t expect much out of him except basically to get laid.

So finally after they left, we stayed for one more round (for him) and then were going to go back to his house to “chill.” But I will remind you that his house, has his parents in it. SOOOO that’s awkward to think about.  SO he asks me if I would mind if we went to a close by hotel room instead. Again, so desperate, I said sure.  I felt cheap saying this – but again didn’t care that much.  Then we get to the hotel and luckily I can tell that he hasn’t done this before – or if he has he is the biggest moron in the world.

We go to a hotel, and as I am walking in I hear him asking if he can get the room for a couple of hours.  I DIED. Right then and there.  I was like OMG this front desk guy is going to think I am a hooker – or we are having an affair or something. Who in this day and age goes to a name brand hotel and asks for their hourly rates.  If we went to a flea bag motel and asked I wouldn’t have been as surprised, but no, we went to a goddamn Days Inn.

After all of this we went into the room. In my head I am like finally.  Lets have some fun and then we can be done. Then I forgot about something – he is a meat head.  And the common theme I hear about those guys, is that they aren’t the most well endowed of men.  After all that – the sex was just ok. I must say what a freaking waste. I mean, I wanted to have sex, and I did. But I really thought he would have been better in bed.

I am not sure if there is really a message to learn from all of this.  Except maybe keep your expectations low. Which is a terrible thing, but honestly with online dating.  It’s what needs to happen.

 

Showing off your assets…?

When it comes to dating with technology, the instant gratification has taken a new step.  Guys are really comfortable sending girls photos of themselves (and I mean all of themselves – they have no shame and are proud to show it off). But because guys are so comfortable doing this, they just assume that all girls are just as comfortable, or eager to send photos of themselves.

Well call me old fashioned, call me prude, call me whatever you want to, but I am never going to be entirely comfortable sending a strange a photo of my naked body.  I will admit, that yes, I have some confidence issues when it comes to my body (but let’s be real, what girl doesn’t).  And showing it off in a picture to someone is terrifying.  First I am trying to impress you enough to make you like me enough to want to meet me. Then once we have met – you get to decide if you actually find the combination of my personality and my looks something that you want to spend time with.

I guess if I sent a picture – I could save myself a lot of stress because then I would already know what they think of me.  But I just can’t.  One if you really think about it, you are creating and distributing porn. Actually there is really no other way to think about it – that’s what is happening.

Now, I understand, that people who are in a committed relationship, may want to send photos to each other.  But in this situation, they aren’t strangers.  I don’t maybe I am prude – or naive and really the world has come to the fact that people are really comfortable sending photos of themselves and one day I will come around to this. But as of right now, I sticking with – no.

Dating Double Standards…

OK, I may be new to the whole world of dating – but I am noticing a lot of double standards when it comes to the way guys and girls act.

1 – The response text: There can be the whole waiting game when it comes to responding to a text message – and that’s a whole other story.  I am noticing that guys can take minutes, hours, days, or weeks to respond to a message and there is no issue in that.  But when it comes to girls responding there are so many land mines.  You can either respond too quickly, which means they will see you as eager and annoying – BUT if you wait more than what they think is the right time to respond you are ignoring them and hate them and they bitch and complain that all of a sudden you are not interested in them.

2- Being invited over: Guys think that girls will just invite them to their homes without any hesitation – but when I asked why they think this is ok but, wouldn’t invite a girl to their house – the response was because no girl would come, it would be creepy.  UMMM – so why wouldn’t it be creepy to have them come to a woman’s house.  What is wrong with wanting to meet in public?  When did online dating become straight up online hookup.

Desperation

I don’t need a guy to be overly cocky, but it really doesn’t do anything for me when you are so desperate for approval that you sound needy.  I had this guy that I was talking to for a couple days.  I knew on his profile that he wasn’t interested in a relationship, and right now I am not looking for that either.  We were talking and he asked what I was doing over the weekend, so I told him what I had planned, and his response was this long rant about how he never gets dates, and is going to go crazy if he doesn’t make plans for the weekend…….UMMMMMMMMMMM not a turn on.

I told him that I didn’t know what to tell him, as to why his profile didn’t get him any dates, and he then asked me for honest advice.  My advice, was that he is coming off desparate and it made me uncomfortable.  He tried to play it off, but then he kept asking me why he couldn’t get a date, and I wanted to be like …this…this is why you can’t get a date.  When you come off that you don’t have any confidence in yourself, makes me want to run.

We went on to fight and talk about the awkwardness of trying to show your personality through text messaging, and if you have any hint of sarcasm in your tone, you can come off as a bitch or asshole.  It makes meeting people more difficult because you aren’t sure if you can be yourself with out prefacing everything that you say.