Catfish

The Internet is creepy. No matter what you do or say, it boils down to the fact that – behind a computer or phone or tablet or whatever, you can be anyone. You can be a teenager looking to try things they know they shouldn’t do. You can be someone older pretending to be young, and many other possibilities.

It’s like the Brad Paisley song Online. He talks about how in real life he could be a short, stocky, bald man but in his online profiles he could look like Brad Pitt.

I have been lucky that I haven’t run into this more frequently. But I just had one guy, who I’m pretty sure isn’t who he says he is. He had a bunch of photos on his profile, and it all seemed legit. I even tried Googleing his photo to see if it had been stolen (because you know, that’s a thing now). It came out that it wasn’t used anywhere else. I was a bit skeptical when he cancelled our date day of because “his grandfather was sick” which all my friends and I are pretty sure was a line. He stopped talking to me for a while then randomly responded again one night. He asked for a picture to use for his caller ID – and so I asked for one too. Now I always screen shot the profile pictures of who I am talking to so I don’t forget, so I had one already, but wanted to make sure he was who he said he was. When he sent me the new picture …it was a new person, but when I called him out he said they were both him. I’m sorry but you don’t have a cleft chin one day and never again.

He tried to say he was the same person and didn’t know what to say to make me believe him. I asked him to take a picture of himself smiling with a thumbs up. This way I would know he couldn’t just find a stock photo he had laying around. When I asked for this he got defensive and mean, saying I was being creepy and he didn’t have to prove anything to me. Which is true, I don’t know him, he doesn’t owe me anything. But seriously, how easy is to tell that I’ve caught you in a lie.

The thing is, the second picture was still cute…so I don’t know why he was lying (if that was even really him….for all I know he’s a 75 year old white man (he’s black in the photos) sitting in California trying to mess with people because he is bored.

The Dreaded Run In

So after you go on a date with someone, and it doesn’t work out – you usually don’t ever have to worry about seeing them again.  Unless of course, you work a block away from each other.

I went to get drinks with a co-worker and as we were walking down the street I noticed this guy walking in the opposite direction – and of course, it was the first guy I went out with when I moved to town.  He was the one that said “he needed time to figure out himself” while he stilll kept updating his dating profile.

It was the awkward – we both saw each other, clearly recogonized each other, and both chose to ignore each other. Luckily I was with someone, so I didn’t look lonely or anything.  I looked like I had a social life, and that I didn’t care at all about seeing him.

Why is that such an awkward thing? Wait, I know – because you have seen me naked, and decided that you didn’t like me enough to continue seeing me.  Now running into you, I have to either pretend like I don’t know you, or don’t see you – because neither of us want to actually acknowledge each other. Maybe one day exes will be able to talk to each other…..maybe not.

I’m sorry that I can’t meet you 10 minutes after you say hello.

When people use to meet, they would give each other their phone numbers, and set up a time to meet – later, and when I say later, I usually don’t mean later that day. So why is it that when you talk to a guy online, they get upset when you can’t meet them ten minutes after they say hi?

I have started talking to a few people, and then they ask me, like 10 minutes into the conversation, if I want to meet them for a drink – like right then.  Although, I will admit, I don’t have the most bustling social life, I am not always available at people’s beckon call.  But then they get mad at me.

I get it, when you are online dating, it happens that when you start talking to people there are chances that you will never actually meet in person.  But, if someone says, tonight doesn’t work – when are you available next week – an appropriate response is not – well I guess we can plan for next year, because you’re never going to actually meet me.

Ummm……boys are so frustrating.

Umm…wait, haven’t we talked before?

The problem with online dating, is although it seems like there is this infinite number of people out there that you can meet – you still run the risk of having someone you’ve talked to – forget that you’ve talked to them.  I know it happens in the bar scene too, but it’s just awkward.

It happened to me this morning.  I had talked to this guy, and even had him come over for a brief hookup session. It has been at least a month – if not 6 weeks since I talked to him.  I get this message this morning, from him, as a basic intro message like we have never talked.  My response was ….seriously….we’ve talked before.  He claimed his memory isn’t that good.

Umm ok, its one thing if you just forgotten that we had talked – but seriously, you came to my house and saw me naked.  Here is how the rest of the conversation went:

Him: we met in person, right?

Me: yeah

Him: Ah yeah.  Did you like messing around?

Me: well clearly it made an impression on you

Him: are you horny?

Me: not at the moment

Him: would you want your pussy licked?

Me: haha

Him: what?

Me: you talked this big game about this, and when we actually met, nothing

Him: I didn’t lick it?

Me: nope

Him: that’s weird.  I love doing it.  Were you shaved completely?  Do you want me to lick it now?

Seriously – I didn’t call you afterwards the first time – you didn’t remember me – and are now trying to see if I was shaved, because that could have affected what you actually are willing to do when you come over.  Ladies and gentlemen – I give you – Online dating.

Friend with Benefits or a Booty Call

I’ve said it before, I don’t really understand the Friend with Benefits concept.  I mean, you spend time with the person and hang out, and then add sex.  As everyone says, sex makes everything complicated.  It’s true.  I’ve seen this guy a few times, and the last few times we have hooked up.  I don’t know what we really are, I guess just sleeping together.  But it’s weird, when he comes over we talk, cuddle on the couch, order dinner, goof around, and yes, have sex. But we don’t talk unless he is seeing if I am available for him to come over.

I understand that when he comes over, it is so we can have sex, but if that were really all it was, shouldn’t he just come over do it and leave?  Why spend time holding me on the couch or even in bed afterwards. You just send mixed singles. At least I thought it was mixed signals. Then he text me at 9 pm asking if I would be up at midnight so he could come over.  This is the crossover from friend with benefit to strictly a bootycall.  I am no ones bootycall.

Because sex complicates everything, I don’t want to continue sleeping with him in case I were to think things were going further than they are.  So in order to basically keep a wall up – I have decided that they smartest way to go about this, is to space out our visits.  If I keep a distance then I cant create an attachment.

How pathetic is this.  This is why dating sucks, you can’t even just go with does someone like more or not, it’s do they like me, do they just want to sleep with me. Then, it’s do you like them, do you just want to sleep with them, are you willing to see if it’s going to be more than a hookup.  Now-a-days, even if guys say they want a relationship, they really want to just have sex without the relationship. So you have to think: Are you willing to try just a hook up – ughhhhh it’s exhausting.

You Want to Know….What?

I am finding with more and more of the guys that I am talking to, that they want to hear, in very specific detail, about what you have done with other guys. I would understand if they asked me different things that I like, or I guess things that I have tried, but this is different, and weird.

I have had different guys ask if I have gotten any from anyone else, and if I said yes, they really want to know what happened.  Like they want a step by step, blow by blow, account of what happened…because it gets them off. I don’t tell them the details, because it’s weird.  But then I start thinking about it, and realizing that, you don’t know what is happening on the other end of the phone.

No matter what they are saying to you, you don’t know what they are doing…or worse, you do know.  They tell you that they are getting hard looking at your picture and putting their hands down their pants.  All I can say to this is Boys Are Disgusting.